Reports out of Redmond, Washington state that a giant software company of that location recently trained over two hundred sixty thousand penguins on the Antarctic continent to congregate n the shape of their company logo! The effect, which could readily be seen from aircraft or the space shuttles flying over the polar icecap, had been intended for commercial advertising during this past years Superbowl. Unfortunately, the promotion had to be cancelled when the unexpected onset of penguin mating season undid most of the training. Company spokesperson, Betsy Neelon, said that no penguins had been harmed during the training and that most seemed extremely happy with the pizza and moon pies they received as rewards. Animal care groups, on hand to monitor the training, were enthusiastic and supportive, saying that it taught the penguins obedience and helped relieve some of the tremendous boredom they experience during the long winter months! The logo, which stretched over seventy-eight acres, was intended to promote the giant corporation as the eventual owners of the planet Earth. Ms. Neelon stated that another attempt would be make later this year but that the penguins would probably be mildly sedated with medicated moon pies before production began. Watch for this massive display of wobbly legged, goofed-up penguins during next years Superbowl extravaganza.

	Ok, the movie is over two years old and the event happened almost 90 years ago. Still, our fascination with the Titanic lives on. If you are in the Orlando, Florida area, you need to put the Titanic, Ship of Dreams exhibit on your list of things to see. This permanent exhibit, located at The Mercado in Orlando, is a top quality program, well worth the price of admission. Rooms from the Titanic have been re-created in full scale, including the amazing Grand Staircase. A portion of the deck, in a dardened, cooled room, with starlit skies sparkling in the background, gives the eerie illusion of actually standing on the deck of the Titanic that night in 1912. You may feel yoursesf shudder involuntarily due to the chilling realism. Actual artifacts and treasures from the Titanic are also on display, along with a cast of live, interactive story tellers. The exhibit is iopen from 10 till 10 daily, year round. For more information, call 407-248-1166 (Hint: If you're a member of AAA, check for discounts before you go.)

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Loan. Last week Jefferson's face had shaving cream all over it with a banner for Burma Shave hanging from his chin! And now George Washington with that horrible thing up his nose! How far does this go before the government gets involved?"
News services backed Smith's claims, citing similar incidents in the Grand Canyon, the Everglades, and other locations around the country. One company had commissioned an Ohio-based screen printing company to do a massive series of banners in Day-Glo paint to line the walls of the Grand Canyon, which would then be illuminated by giant black lights at night. That company, Veer Manufacturing, stated that the banners were meant to intensify the beauty of the canyon at night while at the same time urging tourists who might need quality machined parts to do their shopping at Veer's. "Using the Canyon to advertise is free enterprise at its best and I love it", said company spokesperson, Bryan Downy. "And besides, it's about time somebody did something to beautify that drainage ditch."
As one might imagine, hardest hit by this new legislation is the printing industry itself. "When you restrict the manner in which a product gets to market, you strike

at the heart of the free enterprise system", said spokesperson Johnna Sander of the Florida Screen Printers Guild. "If someone wants to put banners all along Alligator Alley to block out that disgusting view of the Everglades, and they can afford to do it, the government should keep their noses out of it. People look for advertising so they know what to buy. They're sure not interested in driving a hundred twenty miles across the state looking at a giant muck hole full of stupid alligators!" Florida Representative Lin Operman (Dem)

responded, "This is not what this agency is all about! Congress doesn't care who puts what signs where as long as the government gets its cut. We expect to raise over 132 billion dollars a year in permit fees, which will be used to support the agency and some selected re-election campaigns. Believe me, no one will be turned down for a permit if they want to hang a banner on the Statue of Liberty! How would we, uh, I mean the government, make any money like that?" Reminded that the additional costs would

ultimately be passed along to the consumer public, Operman responded, "Hey, nobody has to buy stuff just because it's advertised. I am really sick of hearing what the consumer public likes and what the consumer public doesn't like!" Further reminded that political advertising, particularly in this election year, would also incur the additional costs, Operman stated that in that case she would introduce an amendment to the act to "exclude political signage for incumbent politicians from any permit fees."
Printing associations across the country were furious with the creation of the new agency. Texas-based Screen and Litho Printers Group threatened that the presses would come to a screeching halt before they would pay for permits. "To have to pay the government for the right to advertise will put me out of business", said one Texas businessman. "Heck, I've got a bunch of car rental signs hanging off the sides of the Alamo down in San Antonio right now. It'll be a cold day in hell before I ante up to those yahoos in Washington. As long as I've got my six-gun strapped on my side, they better not mess with Texas". Congressman Michael Dudas of Massachusetts laughed when told of the remarks. "Oooo, I'm really scared!"

he said in mock fear. "Look at me! My knees are shaking. Tell Texas to get with the program!" said Dudas, before hopping a plane for a fact-finding tour of Tahiti. Officials in Washington stated that any threatened slowdown by printers across the country would be met with an IRS audit of all tax returns over the past several years. A spokesperson for the Executive Office, identified only as Bubba, said, "...were not gonna fool with these people. We found a way to get some more money in the government coffers and a buncha screen printers ain't gonna mess up our plan!"
Lobbyists for the printing industry promised to campaign heavily for the elimination of the new agency before the end of the year. Said one lobbyist with a sigh, "You know how these agencies are. Once they get a foothold, you can never get rid of them."

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